A life spent seeking approval of others is a life spent without joy

 

In my personal life, I have met and observed many people who are desperately trying to get approval and acceptance from others, who never feel good enough, and who are terrified of social rejection.

For many, hurt and invalidation starts very early and continues throughout their life in one form or another. As a result, many people learn that their fundamental sense of self-esteem and self-worth comes not from within but from others, and so they constantly seek other peoples approval or attention.

Whether you’re hoping for hundreds of likes on Instagram, help and support from friends, or a simple pat on the back from your parents, seeking validation from others for a quick boost of confidence is a natural tendency. People want to know that they’re smart and cool and on the right track in life, and these external things (read: likes, pats on the back, etc.) are definitely helpful.

It’s totally fine to look for others’ approval on occasion. But there comes a point where it becomes a habit — which is when it’s important to take a step back and recognize that you do not need someone else’s approval to feel good about yourself.

Essentially, confidence and validation go hand in hand.

The first thing a child looks for is validation or recognition from the parents on accomplishing something. But the same child when grows up, the need, the desire, the urge for that external validation continues. Truth is bitter to accept, but all of us feel terribly bad when we don’t get the kind of appreciation that we were expecting to get from others.

It’s true that we want to hear all good things from everyone around us to feel motivated, encouraged, but, we need to keep in mind that we don’t get enslaved by that desire to always get externally validated (and never get criticised). Like they say, “when you are giving a person the right to build you up, you are also giving them the right to break you down…”

It feels good to be praised, to have your feelings affirmed, to be told you did a good job, and to be appreciated.

Its normal to want validation from others your parents, spouse, boss, friends — but some of us seek external validation to an unhealthy level. We rely on others to make us feel good. We doubt our abilities if were not explicitly told were doing well. We obsessively check our social media posts looking for approval. And we question our worth if others dont value us.

Relying on external validation can make us anxious or depressed. A lack of self-confidence may cause us to make more errors and have trouble concentrating. And disapproval and criticism are especially painful because we put so much stock into other peoples opinions.

We cant rely on others to make us feel good. When we do, we allow others to dictate our worth. And we dont trust our own thoughts, feelings, and judgments; we assume others know more than we do and their opinions matter more. We become needy and ask for validation in ways that turn others off in ways that scream my self-esteem is lacking and I need you to tell me I’m okay.

Instead, we need to learn how to validate ourselves. External validation should be in addition to self-validation, not in place of it.

If one considers external validation purely incidental and trains one’s mind for self-validation, then that will be a huge weapon for us. Self- validation doesn’t mean being disrespectful or ignorant to someone else’s suggestion, judgements, but acting in your own senses and conviction. Don’t let anyone invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that ever. No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important and you deserve to be heard. They are inherently valid and they matter. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.